what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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