The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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