If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He has the fingertips of a God
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize