The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
