i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
