Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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