I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
