im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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