His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
