i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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