I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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