I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
