Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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