mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
