Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
