Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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