Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
