the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
