He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
