my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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