he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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