Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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