Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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