too bad you live with your parents still
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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