this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
