Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
