why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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