That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
