Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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