Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize