i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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