Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
