Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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