I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
