you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
