I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
