I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I have surprise drugs for everyone
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
be right there i have to get my cape
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
