hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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