Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
