Cold hands, warm shart.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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