you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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