He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
