my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
