Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
