do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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