I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
