his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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