you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
