I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
