I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if only i could text you this smell
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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