Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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