glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
