Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
