I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize