Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My balls are so social today.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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