Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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