went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Found your dick twin last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
