lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
