I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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