Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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