I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize