The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
