No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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