Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
