i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
