I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
