I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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