Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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